Last updated: January 7, 2006

Light Verse -Tailgaters:

The following light verse poems are "tailgaters", explained in the Introductory section. Briefly, they take a fairly well-known line from a classic poem and complete it with a second, usually rhyming line, in an unexpected way. They are organized by author in alphabetical order last name.

Bible:

Vanity, vanity, all is vanity –
Pride, passion, happiness, even insanity.

William Blake:

Tiger Tiger, burning bright,
You smell good! Done yet? Not quite...

Little lamb, who made thee,
Ere Bo Peep mislaid thee?

Rupert Brooke:

If I should die, think only this of me:
"Brooke's dead, dead, dead, but I'm alive, Teehee!"

Elizabeth Barrett Browning:

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways:
On top, below, behind, in cars, in sleighs...

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways:
One...two...three...four – this may take me some days...

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways...
Don't argue. "Let me"'s just a civil phrase.

Robert Browning:

"That's My Last Duchess hanging on the wall –
‘Come down...Goooood Kitty!' – isn't she a doll!"

That's my last duchess hanging on the wall,
Cut up into three parts like all of Gaul.

Childe Roland to the dark tower came –
A nasty new computer game.

Childe Roland to the dark tower came –
By Browning; Freud was not to blame.

Oh, to be in England
Now that April's there,
But I'm stuck here in Ring land,
With my PRECIOUSSSS, in my lair.

Gelett Burgess:

I never saw a purple cow,
Just purple bulls: there goes the Dow!

Samuel Taylor Coleridge:

It is an ancient mariner,
And he stoppeth one of three:
"Move on," he says to the other two –
"There's nothing here to see."

Walter De La Mare:

Is there anybody there?" said the Traveler.
"I'll settle for a ghost – I'm no caviler.

Emily Dickinson:

How public, like a frog –
The crotch-lick of that dog!

Because I would not stop for death,
This cop doth analyze my breath.

John Donne:

Thou hast made me, and shall Thy work decay?
(My warranty's expired. I'd better pray.)

I am a little world made cunningly
And, if I do say so, quite stunningly!
_____

As virtuous men pass mildly away,
And whisper to their souls to go,
Whilst some of their sad friends do say
The breath goes now, and some say, No;

Thus I pass gas on bus or train,
So gently and so silently
That prune-faced ladies sniff in vain;
They never guess it came from me.
_____

Valid Diction For Bidding

A virtuous man my scratch his head
Simply because it itches so.
Some auctioneers, seeing dandruff shed,
Yell "Sold!" while he, in vain, cries "NO!"
_____

Valid Diction Forbidding Morning

Although the clock rings wildly away
And screams at him, "ITS TIME TO RISE!",
He throws it down, yells, "Let me lay!
"It's only 5, goddamn your eyes!"

Ernest Dowson:

They are not long, the days of wine and roses,
Not hear as long as, when I lie, my nose is.

They are not long, the days of wine and roses,
But mornings after? – endless as Kant's prose is.

They are not long, the weeping and the laughter,
But O how endless are the mornings after!

I have forgot much, Cynara! Gone with the wind –
But fortunately I have remembered the kippers, tinned.

"I have forgot much, Cynara! Gone with the wind,
And soon I'll forget the rest," he said...and grinned.

I have been faithful to thee, Cynara, in my fashion –
I Wear your dresses, legs shaved, rhinestones flashin'...

Robert Frost:

Whose woods these are I think I know –
Her servant spies on us – that crow.

Whose woods these are I think I know;
That candied cottage...we'd best go.

Whose woods these are I think I know,
But I must pee – where else to go?

Whose woods these are I think I know:
He came for lessons with the Pro.

Whose woods these are I think that I
Shall never know – just passing by.

[Note: Line one above is Frost channeling Joyce Kilmer's "Trees".]

Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
However bright, upon it, splendor fall.

Something there is that doesn't love a wall,
Prefers a day spent shopping at the mall.

He says again "Good fences make good neighbors."
I much prefer to cut them up with sabers.

He says again "Good fences make good neighbors."
They certainly reward a burglar's labors.

He says again "Good fences make good neighbors."
At least they're quiet – no damned fifes and tabors.

The woods are lovely, dark and deep...
GET YOUR PAWS OFF MY BOOBS, YOU CREEP!

Tri Via [which means: three roads]

Two paths diverged in a yellow wood –
Three, counting one on which I stood.

Two paths diverged in a yellow wood.
I couldn't choose, so there I stood
And there stand yet – why should I move?
Go here, go there – what would it prove?

Two paths diverged in a yellow wood.
I couldn't choose, so there I stood
And there stand yet, become an oak,
So dowse campfires and please don't smoke.

Thomas Gray:

The lowing herd wind slowly o'er the lea,
While rain falls mainly on the plain...and me.

The lowing herd wind slowly o'er the lea,
Like readers plodding through an elegy.

George Herbert:

I struck the board and cried "No more!
I'll save room for a bit of smore!"

I struck the board and cried "No more!"
"Your hat," she said, "and there's the door."

I struck the board and cried "No more!"
"Focus, Grasshopper. This time ROAR!"

I struck the board and cried "No more!"
The board's intact. My hand is sore.

Robert Herrick

Optimize Career Potential While The Sun Shines

Gather ye rosebuds as ye may...
But will it enhance your resumé?

[But Herrick wrote "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may..."]

Ben Jonson:

Drink to me only with thine eyes –
No one must see I stroke your thighs!

John Keats:

Much have I traveled in the realms of gold,
Made filthy rich from Black folks bought and sold.

Much have I traveled in the realms of gold,
But now I'm old and wear my trousers rolled.

Much have I traveled in the realms of gold,
Which taught me when to hold and when to fold.

Much have I traveled in the realms of gold --
This beer's warm, varlet! Bring me one that's cold!

Much have I traveled in the realms of gold,
Escaping from my wife, a bitter scold.

Much have I traveled in the realms of gold,
He said, as miles of "Star Wars" credits scrolled.

Much have I traveled in the realms of gold,
Where men are pretty and the women bold.
______

Enron Chief Introduces Himself

Much have I traveled in the realms of gold.
In ten more years I hope to be paroled.
______

Much have I traveled in the realms of gold,
Where, hungrily, for porpoises I trolled.
______

On First Looking Into The Ancient Mariner

Much have I traveled in the realms of gold,
Now old and fat, I wear my trousers rolled;
Without this truss, my center could not hold:
Pop! Pop! – burst buttons; fold on flabby fold –
For I'm QUITE stout Cortez with surmise bold;
If my fat, freed, engulfed thee, fold on fold,
No need to ask for whom the bell hath tolled.
Now, I have tales that simply MUST be told –
Another pot, Innkeeper – this one's cold! –
Of albatrosses shot, doldrums and gold...
______

Who hath not seen thee oft amid thy store,
Cooking the ledger books, mopping the floor?

"O what can ail thee, knight at arms,
Alone and palely loitering?"
"I can't see why, with all you're charms,
You're pierced and wear a goiter ring!"

When I have fears that I may cease to be,
It comforts me to fear iambicly.

When I have fears that I may cease to be...
But I died long ago. Can this be me?

When I have fears that I may cease to be,
I scratch my head inconsequentially.

Joyce Kilmer:

"I think that I shall never see,"
Cried Milton, "Ouch! I've bumped my knee!"

I think that I shall never see
A tome as lovely as Aprille
Whose showres soote the droughte of March
Perced to the roote, lest rootes should parch.

[2nd and 3rd lines borrow from Chaucer. "Aprille is pronounced, approximately, "apree" The lines, which begin the Prologue to "Canterbury Tales" mean (from "Aprile") April, whose showers sweet the drought of March pierced to the root....]

I think that I shall never see
Why men can't aim before they pee.

I think that I shall never see
A purple cow, nor she see me.

I think that I shall never see
A sea, nor ever be a bee.

I think that I shall never see
Two critics who don't disagree.

I think that I shall never see
A decent lunch that's really free.

I think that I shall never see
An honest man – apart from me.

I think that I shall never see –
That is, I think I disagree.
(It doesn't matter much to me.)

[Note: Lines 2 and 3 in last one are John Lennon's, from "Strawberry Fields".]

I think that I shall never see
A naked lady – woe is me!

I think that I shall never see.
I see that I shall never think.
Can't see, can't think – what's left for me?
I think I see another drink.

Richard Lovelace:

Stone walls do not a prison make,
Nor iron bars a cage –
They can't! This must be some mistake!
You'll pay for this outrage!

Stone walls do not a prison make,
Nor iron bars a cage,
For any moment, I will wake
Or God will turn the page...

Amy Lowell:

"Christ! What are patterns for?"
One pat earns many more.

Andrew Marvell:

Had we but world enough and time,
We'd say "I am" and never "I'm".

Had we but world enough and time,
Our poems all would scan and rhyme.

Had we but world enough and time,
To shop with you would be sublime.

Had we but world enough and time,
Your sermons, Rev., would be no crime.

Had we but world enough and time,
We'd make our millions dime by dime.

Had we but world enough and time,
We might do War and Peace in mime.

Had we but world enough and time,
We'd not put up with grease and grime.

John Masefield:

I must down to the seas again, to the lonely sea and the sky,
And all I ask is a board walk, with casinos right nearby.

John McCrae:

In Flanders Fields the poppies blow,
Well fertilized by those below.

Edna St. Vincent Millay:

O world, I cannot hold thee close enough!
Go on a diet, PLEASE! I like worlds buff!

MY candle burns at BOTH its ends!
The rest just burn at one.
So buy MY candles, my dear friends,
For TWICE the wicked fun.

John Milton

Of man's first disobedience and the fruit,
I sing – the one that makes him rudely toot.

Of man's first disobedience and the fruit
I sing...but why are dames so cute!?

Of man's first disobedience and the fruit...
I SAID "Pick up more fruit." Why didn't he do't!?

When I consider how my light is spent...
Gazing at you, love, will not pay the rent.

Ogden Nash:

Candy is dandy
Where all is vandy.

Edgar Allan Poe:

On a midnight dark and dreary, as I pondered weak and weary
Upon thermogenic theory and that cow of Mz. O'Leary...

On a midnight dark and dreary, as I pondered weak and weary
O'er old tomes of Quantum theory – which, most strangely, make me cheery...

On a midnight dark and dreary, as I pondered weak and weary –
Damn that wafting of wisteria, nose running, red eyes teary...

The skies they were ashen and sober;
Enough to make anyone go brrr!

Ezra Pound:

The apparition of those faces on the Metro...
But isn't "apparition" just a little retro?

Edgar Arlington Robinson:

Whenever Richard Cory went down town
We knew his fancy CPU was down.

Carl Sandburg:

Pile the bodies high at Austerlitz and Waterloo –
One for you and one for me – that one – and one for you...

The fog comes
on little cat feet.
The cat glares,
then licks her feet clean.

Alan Seeger:

I have a rendezvous with death.
To hell with that – I prefer Beth.

I have a rendezvous with death –
He sells the purest crystal meth.

[And there is madness in his odd meth!]

William Shakespeare:

Fear no more the heat o' the Sun:
With lotion, bask ‘til you're well done.

"Oh mistress mine! where are you roaming?"
"I'm off to Elba, palindroming.

"Tell me where is fancy bred."
"Two aisles down, great with our spread!"

The expense of spirit in a waste of shame –
Cheap at the price – there's nothing like a dame.

The expense of spirit in a waste of shame –
Ten bucks. Love? Priceless. Punch lines – good ones? Same.

Let me not to the marriage of true minds
Go, for I hate a tux; this tie – it binds!

Love's not time's fool, though rosy lips and cheeks
Bemuse brash boys and shy computer geeks.

That time of year thou may'st in me behold –
Just shake me: See the snowflakes! 2 bucks? Sold!

No longer mourn for me when I am dead –
Mother, you mourned enough when I was wed.

When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
I call your smile, I think, "What hath God wrought!"

When to the sessions of sweet silent thought
I go with thee...the phone rings! Thou art naught!

When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
I think, why can't girls just be cool, like guys?

When in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
Alas, what's there to do but become wise?

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
No way!

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
In thee I burn and sweat as we make hay.

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
As full of boys who, barefoot, in you play...

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Or make us dainty muffins out of clay?

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
Or for your services, perhaps, just pay?

Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?
No, wait, you ARE a summer's day, I mean REALLY, you know, I was just talking to a
summer day, July 11, to be specific, and I guess I got carried away...

Where the bee sucks, there suck I
Let me taste YOUR honey pie.

"Where the bee sucks, there suck I."
Going down on flowers – Fie!

"Where the bee sucks, there suck I."
Where the Bard sucks, critics ply.

Take, O take those lips away –
We ordered fish and CHIPS, oKAY?

To be or not to be – that is the question –
Try Dristan now to be free of congestion.

To be or not to be – that is the question
That gives me pangs of acid indigestion.

To be or not to be – that is the question –
To be a Fortune reader or Izvestian.

O that this too too solid flesh would melt
Before my buttons burst and then my belt.

"O that this too too solid flesh would melt!"
She said "I'll warm it for you;" then she knelt...

O that this too too solid flesh would melt!
We'd sell the suet pudding for good gelt!

Self-Slaughter

O that this too too solid flesh would melt!
God saith, THOU SHALT NOT! What imp prods, THOU SHALT!

[Note: Hamlet is considering suicide in the "solid flesh" line; hence the reference to God's commands.]

Percy Bysshe Shelley:

I met a traveler from an antique land.
She shared with me a fine old (one-) night stand.

I met a traveler from an antique land.
He favored organs, but was anti-gland.

I weep for Adonais – he is dead!
He's dead dead dead dead DEAD. Yes, dead, I said.

Alfred, Lord Tennyson:

Into the Valley of Death rode the six hundred,
Filled with – as if facing vast hordes of the Hun – dread.

Into the Valley of Death rode the six hundred.
Reader, fear not: here are none; shake off your pun-dread!

Into the Valley of Death rode the six hundred –
"Hundred" and "blundered" don't rhyme, Alfred, you dund'rhead!

Dylan Thomas:

The force that through the green fuse drives the flower
Is out right now. Please call back in one hour.

The force that through the green fuse drives the flower –
Best known to you all as "Flower Power"...

Do not go gentle into that good night!
Wear your clean undies! Don't forget to write!

Oscar Wilde:

"And all men kill the thing they love,"
He said and gave his wife a shove....

William Wordsworth:

I wandered lonely as a cloud,
Though tall and young and well-endowed.

I wandered lonely as a cloud,
Saw golden daffodils, was wowed.

I wandered lonely as a cloud,
As lonely as a Mensch unFrau'd

I wandered lonely as a cloud,
Saw simple things – I'm not high-browed.

I wondered lonely as a crowd...

Behold her, single in the field,
Alert, legs taut, for line drives steeled.

She was a phantom of delight
And of de opera – hideous sight!

She dwelt among the untrodden ways;
Her parents said, "It's just a phase."

Three years she grew in sun and shower –
She's almost dressed – just one more hour!

Five years have past; five summers, with the length
Of Milton and of milky tea the strength.

The Child is father of the Man
Who pokes his fingers in the fan.

Poet: "The child is father to the man."
Parent: The child is fodder to the fan.

My heart leaps up when I behold
My brat in boarding school enrolled.

The holy time is quiet as a nun..
What does a guy do in these parts for fun.

The holy time is quiet as a nun.
Just one last bottle. Then I'll eat my gun.

Earth has not anything to show more fair:
Youse kill a cop, youse gonna get the chair.

Earth has not anything to show more fair:
The car is yours; house – mine; the cat we share.

Earth has not anything to show more fair
Than what's protected from the sun by hair.

Milton! Thou shouldst be living at this hour
To see Keanu Reeves crush Satan's power!

Milton! Thou shouldst be living at this hour,
Or better, let's bring back DWIGHT Eisenhower!

[Note: Dwight's brother Milton was head of Columbia University.]

Sir Thomas Wyatt

They flee from me that sometime did me seek,
For I've grown found of garlic, onion, leek.

They flee from me that sometime did me seek
Men, unlike chairs, lose value when antique.

They flee from me that sometime did me seek,
For I'm "it" now. I'm counting...soon I'll peek!

They flee from me that sometime did me seek
"Enlarge your penis!" – Sure! Now I'm a freak!

They flee from me that sometime did me seek.
I'm all alone, the most exclusive clique.

They flee from me that sometime did me seek,
Leave messages to try again next week.

William Butler Yeats:

The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are on the payroll of the TIMES or Hearst.

The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Pay shysters: Their convictions get reversed.

An aged man is but a paltry thing,
A tattered coat upon a stick unless
He can afford a 10K diamond ring
And minks to go with each designer dress.

This is no country for old men. The young
Are brilliant, gallant and well-hung.

Did she put on his knowledge with his power
Or scrub and sob three hours in the shower?

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
You're qualified to serve as the next Veep.

When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
Viagra puts the hump back in your heap.

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree,
And go and go and go there...I'm going there, you see.

I will arise and go now, and go to Innisfree
To hunt the mighty cricket and trap the savage bee.

That is no country for old men. The young –
Their rude and tuneless songs! – are all well-hung!

A sudden blow: the great wings beating still --
O lucky moth, flown from my window sill!

A shudder in the loins engenders there
Stains that won't wash out of underwear.

Did she put on his knowledge with his power?
She's checking it with her mirror to this hour.

Beatles

(Out of alphabetical sequence, for a ridiculous closer):

All you need is love;
Vote Schwarznegger for Guv!